My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet-Pea. I miss you so much. It’s been a hard week for me and I find myself angry with God. I just can’t accept that you’re not coming back. It’s so hard to think about all of the good with you while my heart hurts with each beat. I know in my mind you are ok but my heart is just hurting and just misses you so darn much. It’s amazing how much I think about you and still cry when I walk into your room. It still has your sweet smell. One of the hardest things to look at are your glasses…they remind me of your love filled eyes. The eyes that would speak volumes without words. The eyes that would light up my heart in seconds. The eyes that were so blue and so brilliant. The eyes that everyone still talks about…along with your blonde hair, dimples and tan skin. I just miss it all. I was doing good for a few weeks and this week has just been rough. My biggest fear is people will forget you someday and say “I remember that girl”. When a parent only has memories of their child the thought of forgetting them haunts them. My prayers now to God are …”Please don’t let me ever go a day without remembering my Sweet Pea”. The same is true when I think of people forgetting you. Over 3,000 fans have “disliked” the page the past month. What happened? What did I say to cause them to stop following? Will more follow? I had hoped to get your page to 250,000 by your 14th birthday but that isn’t going to happen. Oh…your 14th bday is just a few weeks away. Another day to celebrate and miss your life.
I wish I could return to this picture and hold you. Love you. Care for you. Be there for you. It’s one of my fav pictures. I know that won’t happen but I’m mentally going there right now. To that bench we sat on outside of the lab for all of those weeks. I hear you saying “hold me daddy I’m tired”. I feel you sitting on my legs and think how much weight you have lost. I feel your hair under my chin. I smell you sweet smell. I feel your body cuddling in to my side to seek rest and refuge. I thank God for you and pray for you until we hear, “Jessie. We are ready for you.” Within seconds you are gone. I miss you sweet pea. I hope someday you visit my prayers. I will continue to look for you in the sights and sounds that show themselves during each day. I know you are here!!!!
Miss you tons…love you more…see you in a wink. I promise!
xoxo,
daddy