Jessie Journal

My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s daddy!!! I miss you so much and thought I would write to you today. According to my app it has been 2,604 days since we last touched and talked. Honestly, it’s feeling longer and longer each passing day. Then I think about what it will feel like at 5,000 days…dang that already hurts. Grief just sucks because you just never know when it will be over and until that time it surprises you with those gut wrenching turns and up and downs.

I was asked by a coach to write my toast at my 80th birthday…it’s an exercise to think about what you want to say and if those statements are true…live your life in a way to ensure they come true. It took me a week to finish the assignment. It truly was so hard because I don’t think about what I have “done” with my life…I think about who I don’t have in my life…YOU! I don’t desire a big house on a beach, I don’t wake up thinking about how much money I can make today, my dreams are not about have a fancy car or a big corner office. I just want my daughter back…that is all I want in life.

I ended up writing my 80th birthday toast thinking it was March 2, 2011 and life was normal…dreams were big…family was 5…faith was strong…life was good. It was so beautiful to write thinking about three amazing grown up children that lived with great faith, strong values, compassion for other and were all making the world a better place…as mommy and I sat on our porch thanking God for blessing us with such an abundance of love and joy. All while healthy and happy grandchildren played in the yard to the sounds of our favorite country music.

I’m still not ready to write my real 80th birthday toast…not sure when I will. What I do know is I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU and MISS YOU more than anything in this world…you are my forever Sweet Pea!!!

Jess, please visit me in my dreams….