Jessie Journal

My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s daddy! I miss you so bad. My phone app says it has been 2,541 days since I last held you. In just a few weeks it will mark 7 years…wow! It feels like yesterday in so many ways and then when I think of all of the Christmas’ you have missed it feels much longer. Your birthday, Christmas and your Heaven day are the three hardest days of each year for mommy, Shaya, JT and I. Thankfully we have each other to hold on to as we hold on to all the loving memories we had with you. After Christmas then comes Jan 5th…that day is so full of emotions and I still haven’t figured out a way to make it go by faster. Honestly, I wish I could erase the day from my calendar and go from Jan 4th right to Jan 6th. There simply isn’t anything good about that day. It’s the day that tears open scars and feel like a 7.1 earthquake hit your soul. Thankfully we have each other to get through that day too…we will find something today to keep us occupied and just power through.

Jess, I’m so sorry cancer took your life here on earth. I still feel guilty I wasn’t able to find a cure for you. I know that isn’t the right thing to feel because in my head I know I did all I could…we did all we could. But in my heart I feel loss and guilt. I know these feelings are very common of other parents that walk the same daily journey. All of our feelings are born out of deep love…a love that never can be replaced. I’m trying my best to redirect it as many positive ways I can. Not sure I’m getting a great grade at that but if you think about it…I’m only seven years in to this PTSD journey and have no prior training…so in some ways I’m not doing bad as a 7 year old student of loss and grief.

Speaking of “student”…I got to get JT up. Say a little prayer for him…he has finals this week. .

Miss you so much…love you tons more…see you in a wink…PROMISE!