My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea…it’s daddy! As you saw, Tuesday was the 4 year marker of being told you had cancer. It will forever be one of those days that will be seared into my soul.
I have been thinking a ton about that first week this week. I was on a massive mission to find a doctor to tell me the diagnosis was wrong. After 47 meetings my hope started to dim and reality was setting in. I felt like such a failure. Daddy’s are suppose to make boo-boos go away and I couldn’t do that. I felt so helpless. Not hopeless but extremely helpless. I hated not being in control. I had always prided myself on supporting and protecting my family.
So I started asking doctors…“Will Jessie suffer?” That was my biggest fear. I truly didn’t think I could handle seeing you suffer. Just watching you have a hard time eating, walking and talking was so hard for my heart. All of this haunted me each day as I pleaded for a miracle. Then when the doctor told me, “Jessie won’t physically suffer due to medicine, but the amount of her emotional suffering will be a direct correlation to what she sees in your eyes.”…my heart was crushed. How was I going to not show emotion?
For 10 months and 2 days I practiced in the mirror at night after tucking you in bed. I rehearsed over and over trying to deal with telling you that cancer was winning and you were going to go to Heaven. Honestly I never could finish a sentence without tears flowing down my eyes. There was no class to take. No book to read. No seminar to attend. I felt so alone. Sure people were watching me and waiting for my reaction but inside my soul was being challenged like never before. My faith was being put in the crucible of fire.
Thankfully Jessie…you were the bright shining light in my darkness. Every time my hope dipped you were there focusing on helping other kids. Your selflessness challenged my weakness in amazing ways. Like your dear friend Sophie said…we always prayed for a miracle but in the end Jessie was the miracle. I know reading this makes you uncomfortable as you never wanted any of this to be about you…but Sweet Pea you saved me in so many ways. You gave me strength when I felt like I had non. You challenged me to NEGU when I wanted to give up. You were (and still are) my inspiration. Sure God is my strength…but you are my inspiration!
I just miss you Jess. I miss holding you in this picture. I miss being a family of 5. I miss not being able to give you Eskimo kisses at night. I miss so many things and don’t want to wait 40 years to see you.
But you left me with an assignment and I will never ever give up helping kids/families. That is what I/we do now. Sure we encourage. Sure we support. But in the end…we walk into the pools of pain and extend hope, joy and love. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do and you asked us to do it. We can’t sit on the sidelines…we must help and offer hope. Thank you Jess for being my inspiration!
I love you to the moon and back!
xoxo
daddy