My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea…it’s daddy! It’s 4:30am on January 5, 2017. I can’t believe today has been 5 years since I last held you. That is 1,825 days without you in my life physically. You will ALWAYS be in my heart, soul and mind. I can’t help but think of January 5, 2012 at 4:30am…that’s the time my heart was smashed into billons of pieces! Hearing mommy say, “Erik, wake up. I can’t wake up Jessie.” Was the start of this unfathomable journey. Those words will forever ring in my mind and this day will forever be seared into my soul.
The doctors had told us 12-18 months and we got 10 months and 2 days. I’m so sorry I couldn’t take your cancer away. Daddy’s are suppose to make boo-boos go away and I couldn’t fix it. Some days I feel like I failed you…I know that isn’t the right way to feel but I’m just being honest. I know you would never want me to feel this way…it’s just my daddy’s heart. I hate DIPG and cancer so much. It just sneaks in and robs a child and a family of so much. Then it leaves a massive wave of anger, fear, worry and pain behind.
I miss everything about you…your smell, your tan skin, your blonde hair, you blue eyes, your amazing smile, your hands, your toes…I miss everything! I miss talks…dancing…listening to music and playing games. I miss bike rides, belly laughs and swim meets. I miss cooking, baking and being silly. I miss taking you to school and hearing… “Daddy’s home”. I miss not being able to teach you to drive, talk to you about boys and watching your graduate high school. I miss talking to you about dreams and passions. I miss taking you to college and watching you grow up. I miss having a wonderful faith-filled young man ask me if he can marry you. I miss walking you down the isle and helping you move into your first home. I miss holding my grandkids. I miss calls for help and holidays with you. I miss EVERYTHING…all because we live in a broken world that allows cancer to invade lives and destroy families.
I look forward to seeing you again someday and being reunited with you. That will be a GREAT day. But until that time…I will think about you countless times a day…I will write to you every Thursday and I will do everything I can to encourage every kid and family impacted by childhood cancer to NEGU. Thank you for leaving us with a mission. It doesn’t stop the tears or remove the pain…but it does help get through each day! I’m addicted to “curing bad days” with your JoyJars! I love seeing kids and families smile and embrace your NEGU motto.
I was reading emails and notes that were sent to us 5 years ago from family, friends and your Facebook family…you were and still are an inspiration to so many! I know you never wanted this to be about you…but because of YOU…kids smile, sibling feel loved and families feel supported.
I remember people telling me that it gets easier with time…while I understand their desire to help…I really don’t think it gets easier…it just becomes the norm. You learn to walk with a limp that no one sees and a soul that cries out but no one can hear. This is our “new normal” and we must embrace it with HOPE and use our lives to HELP others. That is what life is all about anyway. Selfishly I wish this wasn’t our reality but it is and God will give us the strength to press one each and everyday until we are together again.
I had no idea when mommy and I gave you the middle name “JOY” it would turn out to be for a much bigger purpose than we would have every known. Thankfully, we can and will find JOY in this journey because of you Sweet Pea!!!! JOY is a choice and I must choose to embrace it and express it every day of my life. Some days it’s easy and others hard…but I can’t fathom not having JOY in my life!
My heart isn’t smashed into billons of pieces anymore…just forever bruised! It no longer beats for selfish purposes…rather to serve, support and strengthen others. I had no idea how selfish of a person I was until I started to walk this new road. I’m so sorry I took you for granted Jess! It is the one thing that will forever haunt me. I said, “Just a minute” way to many times. I should have responded to your desire to play with a… “Let’s go”. I made work way to important. Now that time is gone and I can’t fix it…I just have to live with the reality that I could have been a better dad. One of the reasons I LOVE this picture so much is I was 100% focused on what matters most in life…your care! I didn’t care about work…all I cared about was helping you and making sure Shaya, JT and mommy knew I was there for them too.
I hate to see the pain Mommy, Shaya and JT have to deal with and some days hide. It’s just not fair but we will fight. One thing we have learned is Rees’ are resilient!!!!
As I look towards 2017 I’m very hopeful! I just feel it’s going to be an amazing year filled with more hope, joy and love for kids fighting cancer. We have set some big goals for your foundation and hope to raise the funds to accomplish them. Our goals include…sending out 50,000 more JoyJars, supporting thousands of families through our Year of Joy program and providing hundreds of Memory Canvases to families that have a child with you. We are also going to be launching a new program on your birthday=))). It’s going to give courageous kids, sibs and parents a daily does of NEGU encouragement in a very fun way. We like to say…JoyJars help start a relationship with a child/family…Year of Joy helps strengthen the relationship and now this new program will help us sustain the relationship on a daily basis. We do all of this to fulfill your wish… “Please help every kid fighting cancer Never Ever Give Up!” That is what you asked mommy and I on your 12th birthday to do and we are trying everyday to find ways to fulfill it.
We will start working on all of that tomorrow…TODAY is all about YOU! We are gathering as a family here in Denver at Aunt Kimmy and Uncle T’s home. It’s snowing outside, which it did that last time you were here….Christmas 2011. We are going to stay in our PJ’s all day…play games, cook your favorite meals, bake your favorite treats and think about YOU! Don’t worry about Mr. Moe…he is at home with our friend Grant. I’m sure all four dogs are having a great time with him.
We all miss you and love you TONS! I’m going to blow you a kiss…I hope you get it!
xoxo,
daddy
