My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s daddy! I miss you so much. I can’t believe it will be five years since I last held you on January 5th. That was the day the flames of childhood cancer burnt our house down…not physically but emotionally. I had tried so hard to make our house a place of protection from the storms…where we would hold on to each other to stay warm and close…where love flows strong even when fear knocks on the door. But all that I had tried to build came crashing down on us that day. As things crashed down on us…pain, loss and grief engulfed us and still do at times.
I find myself kind of sleep walking in my dreams back to January 4th when our house was still our home. I replay that day so much…it was the day before our house burnt down. I was reminded about this on Tuesday night when I was watching The Voice final show and this guy name Josh sang a song with this lady name Cam called This Burning House. The chorus goes…
And I been sleepwalking
Been wandering all night
Trying to take what’s lost and broke
And make it right
I’ve been sleep walking
Too close to the fire
But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
Jess, this is so true and so me in so many ways…I feel I sleepwalk and wander sometimes trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right. I so want to remove the pain from Mommy, Shaya and JT. The crazy part is the closer I get to the flames of January 5th the closer I feel to you…because that was the last time I held you.
I’m trying so hard to rebuild our house but some days I just don’t want to rebuild…I want to sit in the soot of January 5th and see you, hold you tight and care for you.
Today is one of those days that I sit in the soot…crying and praying…as the flames of childhood cancer burn around me.
Love you to much Jess!
xoxo
daddy
