My Jessie Journal: Hi Sweet Pea…it’s daddy! I miss you SOOOOOOOOOOO much. This week has been very emotionally and physically draining for me. My rollercoaster this week had a couple new passengers that I needed to do my best to help and hold. I’m going to keep the names out to protect them but you know who they are.
Friday night, I got a text from someone from “my” family who has been through the whirlwind of loss recently…it read…“pain to high…considering ending my life.” My emotions just skyrocketed. I got on the phone with this person to assess their pain and most importantly their plan. They said they didn’t have a plan but truly felt like ending their life to end their pain. I shared how they needed to adopt your NEGU motto and look for little nuggets of good in their life. They have lots of them but sometimes when the pain is so heavy they can’t see much. I remember it all to well after you moved to Heaven and people telling me… “She is in a much better place.” I truly just wanted to smack them. I know, “give grace Daddy”.
Jess, that was so hard to hear and this person living thousands of miles away from me I couldn’t “hold” them and let them know it would be ok…so I tried my best to “help” them. We touch base everyday now to make sure the darkness of loss doesn’t take over. I had never had someone I loved say they truly wanted to end their life. I will keep reaching out and helping all I can. Might need to jump on a plane soon if things continue.
Thankfully the weekend was just full of football games and prep for the golf tournament next week.
On Monday, I returned to CHOC to meet with your favorite phlebotomist and his team. While I love him like a brother, it was hard to be back in that building. The smells, the images…they all bring back so much pain. I was even going to revisit this exact bench that we were sitting at in this picture but I couldn’t get myself to walk towards it. I could see it from afar but just couldn’t walk towards it
I then came home and found out someone you love a ton got a massive kick in the gut from someone they love. I’ve had such an array of emotions around this event….from anger to sadness. Life just flat out hurts!
Then Tuesday night I went to “open house” for JT at his high school. The same school you would be a senior at. I walked around looking at kids wondering….Would that girl have been one of your BFF’s? Would that boy wanted to date you? Would that coach love having you on his swim team? Would this teach brag on how wonderful of a student you are? It was like I was walking in a sea of people studying faces/ages all while having this internal dialogue.
The good news of the week was yesterday. It was totally “uneventful” which I’m so thankful for. Well, that was my week. How was yours? I so wish you could answer me…that would be amazing=))).
I will continue to holding on to the big “hope bar” in front of my seat as my rollercoaster continues down the track called “life”. If you can ask the Big Guy to send His warriors of comfort to the two people I talked about that would be so helpful. They both could use some help.
Miss you so much…love you tons more! See you in a wink, “promise”.
xoxo,
daddy
