My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s daddy! I hope you are doing great. I can’t believe how long it’s been since we last hugged. Some days it feels like “hours” and some it feels like “years”. One thing stays the same…I miss you so much!!! I just love this picture of you. It helped me in a BIG way this week as you will soon learn about.
Do you remember the rollercoaster in Disneyland called Space Mountain? It was the one that went super fast, had crazy tight turns and you rode it in the dark. Not to mention, the loud music that screamed at you. That rollercoaster is a lot like mine…even though mine is not always in the dark, I seldom know when it’s going to dip, turn or speed up. Sometimes the sounds that play on my rollercoaster leave me dizzy. My rollercoaster, called “grief”, has been active this week. Thankfully the dips and turns didn’t cause me to throw-up but they have been painful. You know how unease I get on real rollercoasters=).
The high was sharing your story with lots of Anthem employees in Denver during a big engagement with them. Their staff made your JoyJars with such care. One lady even said, “Would Jessie approve this one?” I love when people ask me that…it makes me think about you in milliseconds, which does my heart so much good.
The low came on Saturday night. Mommy and I were out at dinner celebrating our wedding anniversary at this restaurant we took you too during your last Christmas in Denver. This time it was summer so the streets where packed with lots of music, restaurants and art shows.
Mommy and I had this great indoor window seat where the window was wide open so we felt like we were outside. We had just finished our appetizer and placed our dinner order when we heard a female voice yelling… “Someone call 911. I need help. Please! Call 911.” Mommy and I looked out the window and this man in his 50’s was having a hard time breathing and turning very pale. This couple right next to us called 911 and the restaurant employees helped the lady. The man finally started talking and we heard him say… “What happen?”
Thinking the man was feeling better, we decided to eat our dinner that had just arrived. As we started to eat…we heard the scream of the lady again…. “Please help! Is there a doctor? Please help me!” You could feel the panic in her voice. The man was pale again and unresponsive this time. My heart rate was racing. Within five minutes the paramedics arrived and quickly loaded the man on the stretcher to get him to the hospital.
That was when the rollercoaster took a steep dive down at Mach speed….As I looked over at mommy I could tell something wasn’t right. Tears slowly rolled down her cheek. I knew, without asking, what she was reliving….seeing you pale, having a hard time waking you up, trying to get you to breathe and finally placing you on the gurney. We had both lost our appetite from all of the chaos so we just paid and headed home.
When I got home I went into the bathroom and cried. I didn’t want anyone to feel my pain. I stood there looking at pictures on my phone of you. As soon as I stopped at this picture and saw you trying to create a “mean face” my rollercoaster immediately stopped. Seeing your face gave me the strength to stair down my grief and cause it to stop.
I HATE cancer so much Jess…it sneaks in and robs a person of life and then leaves this massive wake of pain, grief and loss with loved ones. This time cancer had even impacted our anniversary dinner. I know this will sound super selfish but I really just wanted to have a nice dinner with mommy and not have to think of being a family of four instead of five. I do hope the man is ok…but I just wanted a few moments without cancer impacting us. I really don’t think this is possible…smells, tastes, sounds and images take us back to you everyday. I guess I just need to buckle up and learn to ride this crazy rollercoaster.
I LOVE you so much Jess….I’m so sorry cancer made you miss your life on earth but I know you are ok in Heaven and I will see you again. As we used to say… “in a wink”.
xoxo,
daddy
PS: Please take great care of little Jessica who joined you this week. She is so young and will need a big sister to help her. I’m sure her parents would like that. Thanks Jess!
