My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea…it’s Daddy! You can tell by this picture I’m missing you big time. I can’t believe 5 years ago we were told that your MRI revealed a second tumor. It meant that the honeymoon period was over. It was like a giant expiration date shinning in time square on your life. We knew once your tumor started to grow the doctors had nothing else for you. It was all in God’s hands. How long was he going to let you live? Would he answer our soul screaming pleas for a miracle? Would he make sure you didn’t suffer? So many questions, so many emotions and no answers. All we could do is embrace each day with love, laughter and lots of hugs/kisses.
The hardest part I’m having to deal with now is not remembering your smell. I know that sounds kind of creepy but if you were to ask any parent they know the unique smell of their children. I try so hard to find it in your room and sometimes feel I have it….then it’s gone. I’m scared I won’t ever find it. I just want you back.
Thankfully I can still remember this photo and the time we had while waiting for the doctors. I can still remember holding hands with you and feeling your hand in mine. I can remember your voice as I watch videos of you regularly. I can still feel your hair in my hands. I can still see your smile. I can still remember our last kiss and you mumbling “luv ya” to mommy and me. I just can’t recall in milliseconds your smell. I hope I find it soon. I really scares me that I will slowly stop being able to remember you as intensely as I want to.
Jess, I miss you so dang much! That is one thing I know I will never lose!!!
Please visit me in my dreams…I need a visit!
xoxo,
daddy