My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s daddy! I can’t believe you would be starting your junior year of high school this year. Dang that stings! I see pictures of your friends on their parents pages talking about their kids going on to their “jr. year” and I don’t get to write anything. I wrote about JT starting 8th grade yesterday but when it comes to you…I only have this picture of you starting 6th grade. Love that smile of your so much…miss it tons and just want to kiss it all over the place=)).
It just sucks that you didn’t get to have a life. Why can’t all of these “cure” groups find cures??? I just don’t get it. Over 30 years they have been working on your brain tumor and nothing. I know I’m not the only one out there missing their child so I can’t complain about me with there are thousands of parents living with a massive crater in their hearts, souls and lives. I just hate not having you be here to hug, to help and to love.
I’m trying to hold on to hope every day but some days I feel my fingers slipping so I just grab tighter and tighter. Some days I feel exhilarated by the end of the day and others flat out exhausted. I bet that is how you felt when you were told you had cancer…you were trying to hold on to being “normal” as hard and as long as you could…when your body was changing daily from the tumor. All you wanted was to be normal and not be stared at. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that Jess. I see kids no that are fighting and I know they feel lonely and limited so I just try to give them hugs and ask them normal questions about life. I never ask, “How are you feeling?” I know that without asking. Like you, they just want to be normal too but due to cancer can’t. Some that get cured find a “new normal” but I don’t know if they every get fully back.
I know my life will never be normal again and I’m still trying to find my way in our “new normal”…but I’m doing my best and trying to trust God with the rest. I can’t wait to see you…hug you…and kiss you! Until then…you will always be the beat of my heart, the strength of my soul and the top of my thoughts.
xoxo,
daddy
