Hi Sweet Pea…It’s Daddy! Dang I miss you…I woke up at 4:30 this morning and it was like a instant flashback to when mommy woke me up on Jan 5th 2012 at 4:30 in the morning. It’s crazy how numbers get seared into my soul…March 3, April 8, Jan 5th. All “kick-in-the-gut” dates. So I got up and decided to lay in the couch were you laid until you took your last breath at 10:11am. Then more sounds, feelings and even a few smells came back to me of that morning. The sound of the your iPad playing music, the feel of your skin, the smell of the oxygen machine. So so many!!!!
That was clearly a morning non of us knew was coming so soon and one that will forever be etched in time and in my heart. Looking back, that was the day I started my official…”I don’t get it list” so I can have a few things to talk to the big guy about. While I totally understand my role is not to “get” everything in life and try to understand “every” thing in life…I still have questions. I think its human nature to desire answers.
While I’m sure many other would say to never try to “relive” past pains that cause PTSD…I find it helpful. It keeps me anchored to the realities of thousands and thousands of other families. If it’s ok to remember to joyful moments…like the day you were born, the day your first walked, your first day of school, etc. then I think having a few of the “painful” moments in the old memory bank isn’t bad. The key is to make sure the pain does not paralyze you. When past pain inhibits your ability to move forward in life then that needs to be dealt with. I think I’m moving forward good…I’ll never be great…but I’m good.
The last thing I remembered about that part of the couch was the day the grief counselor had me lay their and talk to you…cry out to you…grieve you. That was the first time in my life I had ever uncontrollably whaled in loss and pain. As I told you growing up Jess…my biggest goal in life was to be a great dad to you, Shaya and JT. I never had material goals like…big job, big house, etc. That was my only driving goal and when you moved to Heaven I felt God took that away from me, which hurt super bad…still does.
I just love being “daddy” and caring, protecting and supporting my kids (mommy too=))). I think that is why I hold on to this picture so much…I feel like I was caring, protecting and supporting you at one of the most painful doctor visits you had.
So now that you are not here, I dedicate a some time to caring, protecting and supporting your foundation. I take such pride in the fact that your name is on the foundation. It’s like my 3rd child in a way…I think that is why I get so protective of it!
Jess, even though I laid there for an hour this morning crying, thinking and praying…I’m up now and ready to “embrace the day”. Remember we used to say to each other “ETD”? That was our goal for each day…embrace it to the fullest. I hope you embrace yours…I will commit to embrace mine as I hold on to hope, share joy and feel love today.
I miss you tons and love you so much more. I’ll see you in a wink…promise!
xoxo
daddy