My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet-Pea, it’s daddy! Darn I miss your face this morning. Your face was everything to me. You eyes spoke without words. Your dimples made my heart jump for joy. You smile made me feel like the luckiest daddy on earth. Your mouth shared your feelings with me. Your face also told me when you were in pain. When you were sad. When you were frustrated. When you were happy.
As you started to lose your hair the beauty of your face shined bigger and brighter. Your skin was so soft and tan. Your perfect little nose. Your wonderful eye-lashes that gave the best butterfly kisses.
The hardest thing to erase from my mind is your face in your final hours. It was so hard to watch as the cancer was winning it’s battle on your body and face. You laid in mommy’s lap as she softly stroked your cheeks. You struggled to breath. You could only mumble words and your eyes could no longer communicate with me.
I remember the hospice nurse asking me to pray for you…I was lost for words. My gut was full of pain, worry and anger. My mind was racing to try to comprehend what the heck was going on. There was so much chaos going on but then I looked at your face I could sense it was time to surrender you to your Heavenly Father. After 10 months and two days of giving everything I had to helping you live life to the fullest I had to give up control and let you go. I know our motto was Never Ever Give Up, but in the end we all need to “give up” in order for you to “go up”.
What made it extra hard was being “daddy”. Daddy’s are responsible to care, support and provide for their families. I could no longer care, support or provide for you. It was a massive feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. Sure I knew you were going to Heaven but I didn’t want to hear that as a cliché. So I brokenly prayed, “God I surrender Jessie to your loving hands. She is your daughter. Thank you for allowing me to be her daddy. Please save her from this pain and help us walk each day with her in our hearts.”
It was only a little while after I prayed you took your last breathe on earth. Your face was no longer alive. Everything that made you “you” was gone…the Jessie spirit and soul that I loved so much. Gone! I still wanted you to have dignity as the people wheeled you out of the house, which is why I would not allow them cover your “face” until the very end. This is why I miss your face so darn much. Your face was everything to me. Sure you had great hands and cute feet but your face was what stole my heart the day you were born and broke my heart the day you left.
Jess, I LONG to hold your face and pinch your cheeks. I LONG to see your eyes full of life and your smile full of joy. I LONG to see YOU!
I miss you tons, love you more and will see you in a wink. Promise!
xoxo,
daddy
