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My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, its daddy! We miss you so much!!! Some days it feels so real and others I still feel are like a bad dream. Even this morning I was thinking, “How great it will be when you come home.” I know, you are not coming home.. I still had thoughts about it. So I decided to look at some older pictures when you were young… this one is one of my favs as I got to play pretend in your kitchen and you feed me food. We had such a great time together….we always had fun together. I miss your belly laugh and smile. I miss you hands…I can still picture your hands in my hand and that little birthmark you had on your right hand. Your hands always fit perfect in mine. You always reached for my hand when we would walk in a crowd or across a street. In some ways, I was a little bit of a security blanket to you. I think all parents are that to their kids when they are young. I just wish this security blanket could have saved you from cancer…my counselor says I carry a deep amount of “shame” from this enormous feeling I failed you as a daddy. I’m confident it will lighten with time…but the waves of grief, guilt and shame crash into my soul because of the loss we have experienced. I just wish I could know when they will come so I can prepare for them…that would be super helpful. Unfortunately they don’t send warning signs….they just start crashing.