My Jessie Journal:: Hi my amazing and inspiring Sweet Pea…it’s me again=). Broken and blessed at the same time. Broken because you are not physically here…blessed because you were physically here and I got the honor of raising you for those 12 years and being your daddy. I would have loved many more but that was not in the deck of life cards I got dealt. My deck, like many others, had a card I never saw until I heard “Jessie, has cancer.” Then my deck changed forever. Sometimes we don’t see all of the cards in our deck until the right time…while there is never a “right time” to have a child you love more than yourself move to Heaven before you…we hold on to God’s promises and great memories. That is what this new season is all about…holding on to memories while creating new memories with JT and Shaya. I used to think creating new ones was being disrespectful to you but it’s not. It just another card in my deck. Sooner or later I too will lay my deck down and join you…oh that will be a great day Jess.
I was looking at some of the notes you gave me during your 10 month fight with cancer. This one jumped out of the pile at me as Father’s Day nears. You gave it to me on Father’s Day 3 years ago. So pure, so powerful and so you. That smile…those eyes. Hair or no hair you were so gorgeous. You were always great with your feelings and words. You were always sensitive and caring. To be honest, the last two Father’s Days I tried my best to sprint through them. Just didn’t want to “feel” the loss and pain anymore. Honestly, it wears on you day after day. Then when special days come it’s like a dump truck pulls up to you and decides to dump thousands of pounds of raw, intense and painful feelings into your memory banks. Then everything feels heavy and like your soul is flooded with pain. I don’t want the dump truck to show up this Sunday Jess…I just want to enjoy my memories with you and my moment with JT and Shaya. That is all I get…a moment…to laugh and to love. That is the moment I know I need to create for JT and Shaya need. Just like you…they need their daddy too.
Darn…here comes the tears. That word “daddy” gets me every time. Daddies get the opportunity to help shape their kids lives…our words, our jesters, our tones…it all has the opportunity to help or hurt. I wish my daddy would have wanted to love be instead of beating the crap out of me. He liked his drinks more than being a daddy. Thankfully I have learned from others what a daddy can be and the choices I get to make. Like I tell parents…”It’s not what you say that matters…it’s what your kids see”. I can say I love you but if you never see love out of my attitude and actions then “love” to you becomes shallow, false and uncertain. I was not a perfect daddy to you Jessie but I hope you know I did the best I could with what I had…I promise you that! Darn tears again…
Miss you so much…love you way more…see you in a wink. Promise!
xoxo,
daddy