My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s Daddy! I love you sooooooooooooo much!!! I miss you sooooooooooooo much too!!! Some days it still feels like yesterday and then other days feel so long. This brutal thing called “grief” is the worst…I actually think it is harder than “fear”. I was full of fear for those 10 months and 2 days when I worried about you getting on that white train to Heaven someday…the fear ended when you boarded but grief took it’s place and it’s been 6 years…sure the intensity goes up and down like a roller coaster but I truly don’t know if I will ever get off this ride.
I’m actually sharing all about my ride on this roller coaster to 100 moms tomorrow morning. I love sharing about you…I hope they are inspired by you just as much as I am.
Do you like the picture I posted of us? I remember that time so vividly…you and I had gone to a special Wednesday night prayer service at church for everyone to pray for you. Thousands showed up…sang songs and prayed. I remember as I was holding your head and praying tears started to drip and I used my hands to catch them before they hit your head so you won’t worry about me crying. In that moment I so wanted to have the power of God to cure your body that would of been so great…instead we prayed for a miracle and while “our” definition of a miracle didn’t happen in you being healed…you were the miracle that sprouted up when cancer was trying to take you down. You cared when you could have sulked. You laughed when you could have cried. You helped when you could have sat. You encouraged when you could have been discouraged. You did complain when you had every right to. Jess, you were the miracle to me.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you from your fight…that still haunts me…because that is what dads do…they rescue their kids from pain. Dads are given the role of protector and supporter and some days I just feel I failed you. I know in the big picture I did my best but there still is that residual grief of “not being able to fix your boo-boo.”
Well that started the tears flowing and my hands are still typing so the counter is getting a bath…
I miss you so much…I love you tons more…I’ll see you in a wink! Promise!!!