My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s Daddy! I miss you so much…the rollercoaster called “grief” has been racing up and down lately causing my stomach to hurt and my soul to cry.
It’s so crazy how little things can bring on such a massive wave of “longing” when seconds before you felt you were doing “ok”. This happened yesterday driving to work…I drive by your elementary school and see this dad holding hands with this little girl with blonde hair…they were both walking away from me so I couldn’t see their faces…from the back it was like I flashed back to times of walking you to school and holding hands. You loved holding my hand…seems you would grab for it before I could grab yours. As I drove past the school, the tears started and the rollercoaster was heading down quick. I had no idea that I would see a dad and daughter walking that looked like us…but I did and it just brought back so many memories.
Memories is all we have of you and some people say they will start to “fade”. Honestly, mine get brighter and better each day. I absolutely love thinking about you and seeing pictures of you, of us and of our family. I still wonder what you look like now that you are 18…almost 19.. Maybe you don’t age in heaven….that would be nice…I’m getting more and more gray hair and I’m only 49. I know…silly daddy!
Then there are memories that haunt you…like 7 years ago we were walking and that was when I noticed your head was tilted to one side so you could see straight and how if I made you look at me with your head straight you saw double…that was the start of it all…and to think March 3rd will mark 7 years since we heard…”I’m sorry, Jessie has cancer and there is nothing we can do to cure it.” I hate March 3rd and Jan 5th so much…they are days that I so wish I couldn’t remember. Well the rollercoaster is starting to head down so I better brace for it.
Miss you so much….love you tons more! See you in a wink…promise!
PS: I could find a picture of us holding hands at school but I found this one…miss you face so much!