My Jessie Journal:: Hi Sweet Pea, it’s daddy=). I can’t believe it’s going to be Christmas in just four days. Six years ago we were all together at Aunt Kimmy and Uncle T’s house in Denver. There was lots of snow, shopping, baking and having fun as a family.
I remember we had to make sure you had oxygen just incase, which freaked mommy and I out but we just kept our “it’s all good” masks on to make sure your emotions were not elevated. It’s really crazy thinking back to those 10 months and 2 days we had with you and the amount of “masks” we wore to survive each day of that devastating earthquake. It really was the only option we had and it seemed to work for the most part.
Do you like this picture I posted of us in the snow many years ago? I love it! I wish I could post pictures from that last Christmas but there comes a time that protecting your dignity is the most important thing. You were not very happy with how cancer was impact your body which is why we stopped taking so many pictures and just focused on what YOU wanted to do. You could have asked mommy and I if you could go to the moon and we would have done all we could to make that happen. Your happiness and health were at the top of every decision we made. I just wish we could have saved you from that nasty tumor. It still haunts me.
One of my counselors is working with me on what he calls “my battle with anger”. The root of my anger comes from not being able to save you, which was my job as your daddy. It’s the role of every dad….love and protect at all costs. I gave you all I could in “love” but in the end was not able to protect you.
The truth is, I had a false belief system back then driven out of pain, fear and love. I knew deep down I couldn’t have physically saved you from cancer…I’m not a doctor and there were no “cures” for your cancer. It is just a hard thing to forgive myself….but day-by-day I’m learning to develop a healthier belief system so the grip of anger on my soul can be replaced with “peace”. This will help improve my own happiness and health. My pursuit for inner peace is my #1 goal for 2018=))). I know I can do it!!!
Well enough about me? How are you? How big is the Christmas tree in Heaven? I just imagine this massive tree full of presents for you and all of your friends as you celebrate the true reason for the season. Speaking of presents, I got your present for mommy this week. I always love picking out a special gift from you to her. It always comes with mixed emotions but I know it’s important to mommy to see… “To Mommy, from Jessie” on the card.
Well that just caused the liquid to drop from my eyes…I hate seeing mommy in pain. I wish I could take away all of her pain too. I better go and get ready to take JT to school. He has his last final today. Please say a little prayer for him.
Have a great day Jess! I miss you so much and love you tons more. See you in a “wink”…I Promise!